The Day You Went Away Forever: June 24, 2015

Exactly three months ago, you left me. I hope I don't sound like you wanted to. Nobody wanted that to happen, but it seemed to be for the best. Just how can you rest well when you are constantly worried about us, about me in particular?

Yesterday afternoon I was happily on my way to see you, to deliver a potential cure that I got from one of the organizers of a volunteer project. My patience ran out as usual while being stuck in traffic. It was past 6pm and I still was far from you.

Then my sister called to deliver the news. I was surprised not to be surprised. Thoughts ran I my head. Where did I go wrong? Guilt, that ugly feeling, crept in.

I began recounting the many opportunities I had to visit you again but I chose not to because I believed in indulging myself. Maybe I spoiled myself far too much. Two weeks ago I was in the Mountain Province. The weekdays that followed were spent with a boy whom I met there. He was going back abroad for work and requested to spend time with me. I obliged because he seems like a nice boy and there's no harm in gaining a new friend. Just this weekend, I went hiking and then attended a memorial for a great grand aunt to whom I wasn't even close to. The day before, I had my much-needed self-date and watched "Stand By Me Doraemon", something I have been looking forward to since last year.

Did you think that I forgot about you or that I completely left you for a chance to go to the US? You were part of the reason why I stayed, to give you that extra moral boost when I visit you from time to time. I don't know if it works but I hope you know that you can always count on me and on my sisters. Were you sick and tired of waiting for me since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last visited? Did you give up all hope?

The moment I found out, I couldn't even cry. I thought I was past the blaming game. But everything floods in again and I couldn't help but be angered at how things turned out because of wrong decisions. And then that sad feeling that everything is fleeting. It reminded me of what I felt back when I lost grandpa and great grandma. No tears, no cries, just plain sadness, my senses heightened that the soft breeze seemed like a warm loving embrace.

I was still lucky to have seen your final state before you were transferred to the funeral parlor. Your mouth was open. They say it means you were waiting for someone. I wondered if it was me. But I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. You were muttering the names of your siblings, they say. I wonder if in your last dying breath you thought of me, how your little girl is gping to cope with your departure. But it doesn't matter now. I am happy that you no longer suffer now. I hope you rest in perpetual peace and bliss.

A candle for the Light

The pain is slowly sinking in as I write. It's close to 2AM and normally I would have gone off to sleep but I couldn't. I want to write this as tribute to you.

I am sorry for the times when I broke your heart. I was such a stupid selfish brat. I still am but slowly working on it. If only I could turn back time and if only I was sweeter to you, kinder, gentler... Despite all my shortcomings you have always been there. I want to thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.

You have been a Doraemon to this stupid Nobita. I wish you will still stand by me in spirit and watch over me.

How Do I Fight for You?

Seldom do I miss people. Ever since I realized that the "easy come, easy go" habit of people, I stopped trying to force myself in the lives of others, preferring instead to just leave everything to the fates.

Yet you, who have been with me until that tragic day last month, you whose hands nurtured me, whose arms rocked me to sleep back in those days when I was but an innocent babe, thoughts of you make it hard for me to focus on things I am working on. Not that I am complaining; those memories of you are very much welcome because you will forever live in my whole being.

Only it hurts so much when memories come crashing. Like what happened today when I suddenly found myself unable to control my tears. The constricting pain in my chest reminded me of my own fragility as I reflected on my interactions with you on your last few days with us.

I am a coward after all. I hate it when people describe me as courageous. They just see a false facade of me when in fact, deep inside, I am too afraid of losing a loved one, so much so that I would distance myself before I lose myself. Everything has a limit and I have always been careful to mark boundaries and make sure that this is as far as I can go.

Lately I have been thinking if you were also thinking of me. It's been two weeks and I still haven't found the courage to face you. Sooner though I will. I MUST. They say you didn't want to eat. I wouldn't know how to convince you. I know your pain and often I would hear you pray to God to take you in His loving arms. I know I would have prayed for the same thing if something becomes unbearable, like my teenage years full of angst and frustrations and hurts and all the rejection, the betrayals, those feelings of emptiness, of meaninglessness, those struggles both interior and exterior that never seem to end... But you stood with me through it all as I went through that painful phase in my life.

Now that my life has relatively stablized, it's my turn to return the favor. Except the circumstances are different. You are locked inside a weak shell of deteriorating physicality whereas my battles raged from the inside, psychological wars that your love conquered. Tell me now, how do I heal when all I could do was tell you to eat. It makes me so hopeless and so useless, when from way back I decided I would give you a comfortable life in your old age. Except all that was mere talk because I found myself wanting in courage against the powers that be.

And this guilt is eating me from the inside. Every single day I have to live with the thought that I couldn't do a single thing for the person who so lived me and in the end, I regress back to my former crybaby self. It's so easy to help a person who is also helping himself, but to help a person who refuses, it's difficult.

I am sorry I am not as strong as you would have wanted me to be.

When you find the light of your life, do you simply let go? I'd like to fight for you, just as you have fought for me. Except that I have been accumulating useless knowledge and skills, and failed to learn how to do this. 

This is perhaps the harshest lesson on life I will ever have. 

The Day You Went Away: MARCH 24, 2015

Yesterday marks a sad event in my life. The week before, before I left for Bohol, plans of you leaving us, leaving me, reached me. The suddenness of the events that followed the passing away of your daughter has really affected me after all, through you who have grown frail and weak. Maybe I do not know the sentiments of a mother losing her only child, but I wonder, have you thought of me? We meet on earth with no blood relations, but you have been a mother and a confidante to me, light of my life, savior of this poor wretched child almost doomed to rot in hell.

So yesterday, your bags were already packed when I reached home. I couldn't even have the time to really absorb much of what's going on, having been tired and lacking much sleep lately. Fears and anxieties crawl into my being, for some weird reason, Bach's Chaconne plays inside my head.

I shall forever mark the date. March 24, 2015. I couldn't even cry, perhaps my tears have all dried up from constantly worrying about you. There's only the same feeling I felt when my grandfather died twelve years ago. No tears, just a feeling of sadness that seemed quite foreign and yet a peaceful sadness.

On the way home inside the car, I watched the crescent moon in the sky. Shaped like a smile, it seemed to mock us humans for our frailty and for us mortals giving in to emotions. And yet it's the same feeling I had back then when, aspiring for someone's love so much to the point it hurt, I watched the moon being covered and uncovered by clouds. That same moon, oblivious to heartaches... I hope she smiles down on us and comforts us when the heart longs for the happy past.

And now, a favorite song from the 90's automatically plays in my head when I think of you.

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

Please take care now, and always know that despite the distance, you will always be loved. You will always remain as the light of my life.

______________________________________

Today is supposed to be a happy day at the workplace. Yet how can I be happy knowing that starting today I will come home and feel your absence around?

An Open Letter to the Light of My Life

It's been a long time since we last had a long chat. These days we seem to try to catch up on each other early in the morning before I leave for work. I would always ask how you are doing even though I know the answer. You would always look at me, your eyes forlorn, your current fragile state breaking my heart to pieces. It's not easy for me to watch you go weak with each passing day; I have been used to seeing you wake up each morning earlier than anybody else, with that load of energy despite your age. I often wondered where you got that strength that allowed you to do numerous tasks without complaint.

Consecutive trips enriched my life, but it also made me poorer in understanding you. One day I was shocked to come back seeing you emaciated, your eyes no longer alert and shining. Words cannot describe how I feel. You seem lifeless, purposeless, friendless. You wouldn't eat, you refuse to listen when we repeatedly tell you to go to the doctor. You, who used to be strong as a bull, cannot even walk properly now.

I fear for what the future holds in store for us. Throughout my life, you were there. You saw me through my darkest, most bitter periods in my life. When blood and kin sought to hurt me, you were my sole comfort. You were the one who taught me early in my life, even with waves of rejection, coldness, cruelty, and all the challenges that come my way, are nothing if I put my faith in God. You sought to understand me, even in my most pitiful egocentric bitter state. Many would claim to know me but it is only you who always defended me from backstabbers, you the only one who testified to my goodness. It was grace. Perhaps we were meant to meet in this lifetime, because your faith in me changed me. I had a taste of grace because of your goodness and to this time it inspires me to be a better, not bitter, person.

This last weekend, I could have continued to do my volunteer work while in Pangasinan. We passed by Manaoag and I changed my mind and decided to stay inside the church to hear mass and to say a little prayer for you. I knownthat you'd be happy to learn that your little girl is back to going down on her knees with pleas to the Heavens, this time not for me but for you. Today after work, I found myself walking towards that church where I got a rosary last year on my birthday, as if my legs had life of their own. So I brought out my rosary and prayed the sorrowful mystery. How apt, when the two of us are in agony, you physically and me emotionally.

I am not prepared for this. But I guess your little girl will have to grow up now. Coming back home, finding you not there to welcome me has given me of a glimpse of a possibility I do not want to consider. Home feels cold, dark, awful without you.

Tears cannot stop flowing now as I write. Please do not leave me alone.

From Multiply 006: Unsent Letters 001

To the Prince of the Jade Moon Hall,

             Many times I wonder what would have been if we were not caught in the unruly web of fate. What if I had not met you near the Arcade Chamber where the first seeds of hatred were sowed in my heart? The weather was fine, the sky was blue and yet, nature failed to make a sweet girl out of me. Or perhaps it must be because of the many disappointments in life that caused me to look at you with cold and indifferent eyes. And you were with your close friend, the Jack of the August Autumn Yard, who never spoke a word during our first encounter. Really, I found the two of you a quite contrasting pair… well, I admit, still up to now, I do so.

            We used to meet twice a week. The three of us used to be the first ones to be in the Arcade Chamber. It made me feel rather uncomfortable with just the three of us for I did not know what to do. Should I approach the two of you or should I just pretend that you did not exist? It was a hard decision and I chose the latter because I was a coward as well. I simply hate to associate myself with men for I think they are despicable creatures who do not deserve a place in the world. (Sorry for my frankness, but since this is an “unsent” letter, I might as well voice put my true feelings and opinions…)

            One day, my wish came, and rather unexpectedly. One of your companions, the Master of Opaque Kites, was the first one among the three of you, who made a bold front of asking me questions which really made me lift my right eyebrow in contempt. But I admire his audacity because he did that despite my seemingly uninterested and cold attitude. And thus, he was my first crush for that period of time.

            But my heart must be playing tricks with me. The Master was my crush and yet, why do the thought of you linger in my head? Much as I’d hate to admit it, I began to feel that perhaps you are my crush. After several days, you really became my official crush. And it was not easy for me, to see you in different places, to have us look at each other for a long time without even a “hi” nor “hello” nor a wave nor a gesture of sorts. It pained me not to be able to get close to you like some girls could. Maybe we were not meant for each other. Maybe this is just another case of unrequited love, another love story destined to fall into the trash bin.

             When I finally picked up the courage and made up my mind to forget about you and to end the fantasy follies, you started to invade my dreams. Yes, you and your friend, the Jack. The worst part is that they were telling me that you do not care one bit about me. The confusing thing is that they were telling me that someone is trying hard to get my attention but find it hard to do so. And he’s none other than the Jack.

             I want to talk to you even for just a moment. I just want to clear things up between us because I can’t go any further without the answers I want. I want to move forward, sure of myself and without regrets, because the future is so uncertain and sometimes, the vastness of the universe scares me. Grant me this one humble wish. I also have a lot to say. I also want to apologize to you up front for being a snob. I want to get to know more about you, so that in doing so, I might be able to understand you. Or we can be friends. Anything, to help erase the feelings I have for you.

            I am currently on a standstill. The pressures of life are choking my heart. But still, let destiny take over and let fate entwine my path with that of the one I have been looking for.

        

With a thorny heart,

The Maiden of Silent Chamber


Jan 2, '08 5:12 PM
for Miracle's friends & their friends and Miracle's family & their family