It's become a habit for me to make plans for my birthday but they always turn out to be just that--- mere plans. Alongside those, I also contemplate for a lengthy period of time, assessing myself and noting my progress as a human being.
Last year, while doing a self-examination before my birthday, I was led to the conclusion that I have become very cynical and highly pessimistic, the contrary of what I used to be before stepping to college. I reasoned that it was not my fault as external factors contributed to my becoming such a person. But on second thought, maybe it stemmed from my inability to accept these annoyingly disgusting circumstances, coupled with my condescendingly elitist attitude which translates to indignation at the slightest triviality.
This year, with the world becoming harsher and more heartless, I am so tempted to fall into hopelessness again. And I tell you, being surrounded by literature by existentialist authors was no big help, they only fueled my despair. But it is also thanks to them that I am more confident of my stand that we human beings with a will of our own, are meant to overcome our perverse and unruly ways. Perhaps have not totally lost my optimism for life as I still have this gift of seeing the good in something.
This year, too, marks the start of my serious campaign for nationalism. Just recently I posted entries written in Filipino about Philippine affairs. It is only this year that I have felt this overwhelming, fervent desire to make a change. This change may not be of epic proportions now, but I hope it can be that significant big step towards a more visible change. I have to admit that I am still wallowing in mediocrity, not giving my best in what I do and constantly being tempted by selfish interests, but rest assured that I am also trying hard.
This year, after having gone through grueling situations, I have matured fast. Still, naivete rests inside of me, but that what makes me human and allows room for trust. I wonder how long that will last though, seeing that people can be so cunning and so manipulative of others.
This year, I have come to the realization that I am not the Ubermensch I thought I was. I already considered myself highly literate but I was wrong. There are still so much to learn. For example, when speaking of the humanities, what immediately comes to mind is literature. But the humanities is more than that, it also encompasses the arts--- theater, sculptures, paintings, architecture, music, etc. I am only familiar with Baroque paintings, being much enthralled with all the mythological and religious allusions as well as their sensuous quality. I am also into surreal paintings, those dreamlike compositions that seem to have materialized out of randomness. As for music, I am all for Tchaikovsky, with his powerful and deeply moving compositions. Sculptures I don't have the luck to totally explore as I am not contented with mere pictures of them. I want to actually see them to be able to give my own judgment. My interest for architectural stuffs are somewhat satisfied by my occasional wanderings. Churches, especially old ones are my favorites. As for literature, suffice it to say that I am most comfortable with it when it comes to the humanities. I read anything and everything--- fantasy, classics, contemporary, erotic, non-fiction (which I used to despise for its lack of drama, but now that my tastes have matured in part, I have actually developed a liking to it), poetry (I am not accustomed to this but I seem to have a gradual appreciation of it now). Okay, not everything, as I see no point in reading romances (not from romanticism, I mean here something like that icky Twilight). As for sci-fi, I admit I am still bored to death with it but I would like myself to come to terms with it to somehow expand my horizons and explore specualtive fiction which I think will be of great help to te development of my critical thinking.
One more thing, I think I have become complacent with my parents. Maybe it's because graduation is fast-approaching and forgiveness will be relatively easier by then. Sure there are times I act like a selfish overly self-centered kid, but I am only fighting for my rights and for my dignity. I have become stronger, too, and I hope it'll continue.
Last but definitely not the least, my walk with God so far hasn't been that good. My fault actually, for being too engrossed in worldly affairs that I find little time to read sacred writings. I still am a theist despite attempts to turn me into an atheist. Atheism may be popular but it's not the path for me as I find it unrewarding.
As for my pro-jections, well, I have to say that I will work hard to secure a scholarship to study in Spain. If possible, I'd like to study philosophy or theology there. If not well I can always opt to work here in the Philippines, probably for an NGO with lots of sidelines (yes, I need those to sustain myself) like going into translation, publishing or maybe teaching in a public school. And yes, I have posed a challenge for myself. Let's see what the future has in store for me.
Nov 26, '09 10:04 AM
for Miracle's friends and Miracle's family
