Third Visit

So last week I was able to visit her again. The moment I stepped inside her niece's house, I saw her smile which almost got me to tears. She was able to talk without much difficulty now, unlike in my previous visits when she would just stare at me and move her head to answer yes/no questions. Before, I would just talk to her niece for updates, what she's eating, how many times a day she's eating, any changes in her overall situation, etc.

But this time, she was remarkably happy. She has just taken a sponge bath when I arrived. And I don't know why but maybe there's a mix of relief that our efforts are bearing fruits, that maybe there is still hope after all... I couldn't stop tears from falling down my cheeks.

It felt so awkward because I'm always known as a strong person. I seldom cry in public. I NEVER want to cry in public. But that time was different. I choked up on words as I tried to stop crying but let it go anyway and what the heck, never mind what she or her niece says. Sometimes when emotions are repressed, you can only hold them in for long and you'll eventually burst. I think that's what happened.

And I cried even after I went out of their house, while I crossed the bridge to get to the tricycle terminal. Lucky me the sun was already setting and I just wished people would be too busy to notice my tear-stained face. While inside the tricycle, a girl sat beside me but luckily she never as took a second look at me and the motor was noisy so I had the privilege to cry out my heart.

Except that even when I transferred to a jeepney tears still wouldn't stop. I was so embarrassed the whole time but I got lucky when I was on my way to Trinoma to meet up with my sister. Of course, I wouldn't want her to see me crying, too. Talk about pride... LOL. So while inside the bus, my emotions finally subsided and I calmed down. Whew!

My sister treated me to Pho Hoa, one of our favorite restaurants. Without second thought we ordered our favorite beef noodles and fresh spring rolls. YUM! I'm always amazed at how food, especially those that I love, can change one's moods and create a happy feeling inside one's being.

Music Therapy

So lately I turn to music to soothe my brutally bruised heart. We're now on the 5th month of the year and so many things have happened and most of them bad. I will try my best to see the good though since I must be able to learn something from the experiences. Still at this point, the sharp pains prevent me from understanding things and to accept things as they are.

I went out with boys but they turn out to be just that--- boys. Immature and cannot handle someone like me. So never mind. I felt like I just wasted time. On second thought they made me realize what I should look for in a man.

One project has just ended but I'm one of those who look forward to season 2. I hope the project gets approved for another year. There have been petty quarrels, politics  you know. But that aside, I'm just thankful not to be part of the Board since I volunteered only to do what I want and nothing else, caring nothing for politics. Oh well, come to think of it, those who engage in dirty politics are most often the ones who contribute little or nothing at all. Coz they're so busy politicking that's why. I'd like to be more productive and use my time well instead for self-growth, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

Someone's been trying to pursue me romantically because according to him I'm hardcore, strong. agile, smart, and empathetic. Nah. People praise me too much but sorry I do not believe in those. He's someone I met in a trip. Me? Hardcore? You don't know even know me (...) [so] don't say you love me, baby (insert M2M song here). Probably seeing I'm not someone to mess with,  he slowly slipped away until he no longer messages me on Facebook.

With many things going on, I started another personal project and so nowadays I make it a point to play the violin everyday even for just a few minutes. I finally found the courage to play Bach and Mozart. Maybe a little more confidence from playing pop will push me to greater heights one day.

I don't know why but lately the pull of music is extra strong. Maybe my soul craves for some healing and as they say, music is the language of angels. Playing music has become a therapy, a cure for the stagnant soul.

Just the break I needed to clear my mind off things I don't need in my life. Extra baggage makes things difficult, something I learned from my constant travels. Music and a barrage of prayers to the heavens for a loved one.

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Oh and I forgot, reading THIS article yesterday made me feel better. Because I can truly relate but what the hell, I'm not as needy and I can stand on my own two feet. So to those who walked out of my life, good riddance! :P

Mother's Day 2015

The first week of May I suddenly had the urge to visit the light of my life and I knew better than ignore the call. I always believe in following the dictates of the heart even if reason is against it. 

So I visited her and was aghast at how thin she is now. She looked so much like an aunt who thinned down a lot despite being a huge eater. And now both sport the same short haircut. The first thing her niece who is now taking care of her said to me is that she is dying.

I am not surprised, but it felt sad hearing that from another person. I learned that her body developed four cancer types: breast, stomach, lungs, and bone. I am not surprised. I have long suspected that cancer has spread and I have begun suspecting she has stomach cancer when she started everything she ingests.

I can still remember the stories they told me when I arrived from my second Pulag climb in January this year. My sisters, mom, and the Light all went to Quirino Grand Stand to join the massive crowd that welcomed Pope Francis. One of my sisters almost fainted so she just spent the rest of the day at a Starbucks café while the three drowned in the sea of people hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pope. They say they walked quite a distance from where they parked the car. The heavens even rained hard on them but their faith kept them out in the open.

A week after that, on the last week of January, we received news of her daughter's death. She traveled a long distance, 12 hours at least, to get to her daughter's wake and arrange for the funeral. While in the province, we would hear about how stressed she is because apparently the family of her daughter's husband is trying to get her money using her daughter's death as justification. I just couldn't believe that people like that exist! Even the Light's natural grandchildren do not care for her and only remember her when they need money.

I knew from back then that in case she is retiring I will cut her off from these beasts and will provide for her. Unfortunately the diseases came like a swift ambush in the night. She grew quiet and pensive when she got back, refusing to eat most times and preferring to stay inside her room. Depression must have crept in at the loss of her only daughter. But we, my sisters and I couldn't break in. She built a barrier around herself that's too hard to penetrate. Sweet talk won't even work.

But because nobody's home most of the time and everybody else is busy, we were relieved to hear that a relative, her niece, is willing to take her in. The Light's eldest grandson came to Manila and we assumed he would take care of his lola while the two lived in the Light's niece's house. We even gave him some money as allowance before we parted ways, driving the Light with him to the niece's house. The following day, we were shocked beyond words that this grandson packed his bags and left for his province, despite the Light's pleas not to leave her. 

I cannot fathom how people can be this cruel. I cannot help but judge. It breaks my heart knowing this, for I know how deeply hurt she is at this final betrayal. Her grandchildren who never even sent SMS to her on her birthday and only do so when they ask for money which their grandmother would send to them, these same grandchildren whom I even once said to myself that I will help send to school when the Light retires (but now I am retracting after seeing this evil)... I do not know how they were raised by their parents. It angers me to see them so ungrateful and so oblivious of the many sacrifices their lola has gone through for them.

Her sad story, a cautionary tale, makes me cry everytime I remember the events that lead to the day of our separation. It felt unfair to be unable to do something for the one you love and all you can do is to cry, as if tears can do something to make the situation better. 

As I gently touched her on my last visit, ever so gently for fear I do harm on her fragile body, I had to fight hard not to cry. At this point the last thing I want is for her to see me cry. She's seen me cry far too many times all these years and I wouldn't want her to get stressed with me now.So I had to leave early, lest tears flow freely and unable to stop.

The days leading to Mother's Day saw me looking for the photos of us together. There is one photo in particular which I love: the one wherein she wore a fashionable dress in way back in late 80s and holding me on the table. She looked like a mother to me in that photo. But I failed to find it. (Just how useless can I get?)

So I will just try to remember the other details and hopefully sketch the photo from memory.

Stressed

I haven't been blogging a lot since the year started. Funny how one of my plans this year was to increase my blog posts but I found myself unable to do so due to my commitments.

A volunteer project is to end in four days and this month saw me racing against time to contribute as much as I can. When before my laptop was largely ignored in favor of my tablet just so I could read the news online, in April I worked nonstop on days when I came home early from work. There were just too many photos to edit and to upload, too many articles that need to be updated and created. I even allotted one Saturday and Sunday to just stay home and work on backlogs, same as what I am doing now as I type. [I'm taking a break from editing pics!]

Earlier this month I was able visit the light of my life and as soon as I finish all the requirements for the project I'm going to pay her another visit. I haven't been receiving news of her lately and everyday I think about her, stress slowly creeps into my system.

No wonder lately I have been experiencing morning sickness. It's very inconvenient especially when one is not accustomed to taking sick leaves. But what the hell, when you're attacked by it, you have no recourse but to stay in bed and wait until the headache subsides then you decide whether to report for work or not. It just so happens I need to do many things at work, too, since we're on a transition period (at least I think so...). 

And I blame those morning sicknesses to stress.

Not that I'm totally being affected. But you know how much work needs to be done and you can't just sit still and relax. I do that but only to prepare myself for nonstop work after. So my weekends have been allotted lately to just mapping and/or relaxing at home. No adventures for now until I finish all the requirements. Besides, I love what I'm doing, I love seeing my outputs. I love going down memory lane, laughing at the crazy misadventures and... the thought of meeting kindly souls in this materialistic world warms my heart.

And stress. People view stress as something negative. I don't. It's one of the ways to advance human civilization. It pushes one to act, to create a difference when nobody wants to step up to do all the dirty work. It is a means to improve one's self, not just in terms of managing it, but also in terms of making priorities. Ultimately, a healthy dose of stress is needed to keep ideas flowing.

Lately I am engaging in more musical activities than ever. I need music nowadays to relax and to soothe my [just recently broken] heart.

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More adventures once I finish the project. I miss the mountains and the sea!!!

Warrior

Back in highschool, when I started to attend a Born Again Christian Bible study group despite being a Catholic (an erstwhile devout Catholic whose faith was beginning to crumble), the Pastor told us what type of person we were. He labelled me as a warrior, seeing that I defend my ideas to the end. Back then I couldn't accept that label because I saw myself more as a healer than as a warrior. Reason for this is my dislike for conflict and because I have always assumed a neutral post, never taking sides and being thoroughly objective (as I could) with people.

But now I am beginning to think that he might be right. It wold be doing a great disservice to warriors when we think of them only as bloodthirsty warfreaks. Later on in my life, I learned what being a true warrior is, like a samurai or a knight, defender of the oppressed, voice of the voiceless, a helping hand to the needy, defender of the noble principles of truth and justice. Bit by bit, I saw my life going toward that direction, shedding the ego that once imprisoned me and which almost sent me down the abyss had not the light of my life saved me from that darkness inside of me.

Not that the darkness was completely purged, but I can say that I have come to control it better nowadays, resulting in relatively happier days. Except now that the light of my life is slowly fading down the horizon, the child warrior is at risk to be lost once again. I hope not. Memories will live on and will be the main guide to the shining path. Beautiful memories of warmth, love, affection...

Yesterday I finally did visit her, bringing with her a juicer/ blender because I heard she refused to eat. I was happy when she called me by my name, the name which I so despised since childhood. Still hearing her call my name made me glad. She must be surprised to find my at the doorstep, knowing that I am too busy with many things. That much is true but I know that if I do not savor the remaining time that we have, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I've lived in guilt for almost every single day of my life and it was sheer torture. The best I can do now is to prevent the same thing from happening again.

Yes, I am not afraid to say that I think her time on earth is already running out. Cancer has quickly spread all throughout her body. She will be undergoing her chemotherapy but before that happens, I would want to make sure that her body is ready for it. Yet the way I see it now, it cannot stand chemotherapy. 

But I want to hope for a miracle. I've changed my name hoping to be a miracle unto others. I want to at least be a miracle to the light of my life. I still pray for courage and strength. God knows how hard I pray these days.

Now I understood another aspect of being a warrior. The warrior fights for a loved one, she fights even knowing that there is little chance in winning. She fights because she knows the value of what she's fighting for.

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I have pledged to seriously save money and stop traveling for now, just to ensure that I will have the necessary resources to keep the chemotherapy sessions going. I have been on the lookout for sidelines, too, for additional income. I have my own dreams but those can wait. 

How Do I Fight for You?

Seldom do I miss people. Ever since I realized that the "easy come, easy go" habit of people, I stopped trying to force myself in the lives of others, preferring instead to just leave everything to the fates.

Yet you, who have been with me until that tragic day last month, you whose hands nurtured me, whose arms rocked me to sleep back in those days when I was but an innocent babe, thoughts of you make it hard for me to focus on things I am working on. Not that I am complaining; those memories of you are very much welcome because you will forever live in my whole being.

Only it hurts so much when memories come crashing. Like what happened today when I suddenly found myself unable to control my tears. The constricting pain in my chest reminded me of my own fragility as I reflected on my interactions with you on your last few days with us.

I am a coward after all. I hate it when people describe me as courageous. They just see a false facade of me when in fact, deep inside, I am too afraid of losing a loved one, so much so that I would distance myself before I lose myself. Everything has a limit and I have always been careful to mark boundaries and make sure that this is as far as I can go.

Lately I have been thinking if you were also thinking of me. It's been two weeks and I still haven't found the courage to face you. Sooner though I will. I MUST. They say you didn't want to eat. I wouldn't know how to convince you. I know your pain and often I would hear you pray to God to take you in His loving arms. I know I would have prayed for the same thing if something becomes unbearable, like my teenage years full of angst and frustrations and hurts and all the rejection, the betrayals, those feelings of emptiness, of meaninglessness, those struggles both interior and exterior that never seem to end... But you stood with me through it all as I went through that painful phase in my life.

Now that my life has relatively stablized, it's my turn to return the favor. Except the circumstances are different. You are locked inside a weak shell of deteriorating physicality whereas my battles raged from the inside, psychological wars that your love conquered. Tell me now, how do I heal when all I could do was tell you to eat. It makes me so hopeless and so useless, when from way back I decided I would give you a comfortable life in your old age. Except all that was mere talk because I found myself wanting in courage against the powers that be.

And this guilt is eating me from the inside. Every single day I have to live with the thought that I couldn't do a single thing for the person who so lived me and in the end, I regress back to my former crybaby self. It's so easy to help a person who is also helping himself, but to help a person who refuses, it's difficult.

I am sorry I am not as strong as you would have wanted me to be.

When you find the light of your life, do you simply let go? I'd like to fight for you, just as you have fought for me. Except that I have been accumulating useless knowledge and skills, and failed to learn how to do this. 

This is perhaps the harshest lesson on life I will ever have. 

Singapore Nightscapes 2015

Because I am a sucker for photos of buildings with lights against the night sky...

SG Recreation Club

Esplanade Mall

Makansutra Gluttons Bay

Helix Bridge

ArtScience Museum

Observation Wheel

Chinatown

Chinatown

Resorts World Sentosa