The Day You Went Away: MARCH 24, 2015

Yesterday marks a sad event in my life. The week before, before I left for Bohol, plans of you leaving us, leaving me, reached me. The suddenness of the events that followed the passing away of your daughter has really affected me after all, through you who have grown frail and weak. Maybe I do not know the sentiments of a mother losing her only child, but I wonder, have you thought of me? We meet on earth with no blood relations, but you have been a mother and a confidante to me, light of my life, savior of this poor wretched child almost doomed to rot in hell.

So yesterday, your bags were already packed when I reached home. I couldn't even have the time to really absorb much of what's going on, having been tired and lacking much sleep lately. Fears and anxieties crawl into my being, for some weird reason, Bach's Chaconne plays inside my head.

I shall forever mark the date. March 24, 2015. I couldn't even cry, perhaps my tears have all dried up from constantly worrying about you. There's only the same feeling I felt when my grandfather died twelve years ago. No tears, just a feeling of sadness that seemed quite foreign and yet a peaceful sadness.

On the way home inside the car, I watched the crescent moon in the sky. Shaped like a smile, it seemed to mock us humans for our frailty and for us mortals giving in to emotions. And yet it's the same feeling I had back then when, aspiring for someone's love so much to the point it hurt, I watched the moon being covered and uncovered by clouds. That same moon, oblivious to heartaches... I hope she smiles down on us and comforts us when the heart longs for the happy past.

And now, a favorite song from the 90's automatically plays in my head when I think of you.

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone

How could I carry on

The day you went away

Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say

Been crying since the day

The day you went away

Please take care now, and always know that despite the distance, you will always be loved. You will always remain as the light of my life.

______________________________________

Today is supposed to be a happy day at the workplace. Yet how can I be happy knowing that starting today I will come home and feel your absence around?

Malabon to Escolta

For some reason tonight I feel like blogging. Probably because the net is okay and we seldom get that. Scanning the many photos I have taken in just three months since the beginning of 2015, I can say there definitely is a lot of work to be done.

Early in January, I revisited Malabon, for the third time this time, with a fellow Wiki workshop participant. (Unfortunately he decided not to do anything during the certification period so he didn't become a certified volunteer.) He was willing to accompany me though and I'm happy about that because I would need an architect to help me with determining architectural styles since most houses are tricky.

We met at San Bartolome Church on an early Sunday morning. Since mass had started, I decided to hear mass first before looking for him. Since Malabon is dear to me, I still take a lot of pictures of my favorite finds. What makes my visit then extra special was that we got to enter an ancestral house where we spent some time talking about the windows, the ceilings, the floors made of wooden planks... It's what I love most when traveling, getting to know the local flavor through the people, the food, and the old structures. I wish I can go on doing this.

retablo of San Bartolome Church

Facade of San Bartolome Church

near the wet market

Exaltation of the Holy Cross Parish

drawing on a tile displayed outside a house

interiors of an ancestral mansion

because I rarely get inside an ancestral house: obligatory photo!

After walking around in Malabon, I went straight to Escolta where I was to meet with my family for Sunday lunch. It brought me back to where it all started. Living in Manila during my childhood, I was highly selective on where we hear mass and would only be happy when we heard mass in Binondo Church. Later on during my college days, I took great solace in walking on the streets of Quiapo, Santa Cruz, and Binondo like an annual pilgrimage of sorts. Would you not feel the magnificence of these old buildings which withstood the test of time? Does your heart pound not at the sight of these wondrous architectural styles? They invoke in me a sense of wonder, stirring my soul, inspiring my whole being...

Don Ramon Santos Building (a.k.a. BPI Escolta Building)

Regina Building

UNO Seafood Wharf Restaurant housed on the ground floor of Calvo Building

Read about my first Malabon experience here

My second Malabon experience was just mentioned in passing HERE

Don't Ask Me Why

I don't get why people are always surprised when I tell them I haven't had a boyfriend in my entire life. Does it matter? The world will continue to rotate and revolve around the sun whether or not I have a love life.

Still I enjoy conversations about romantic relationships. I learn through other people's experiences. But I also get to know the complexities and the bothersome aspects of having a relationship. Being quite a carefree girl, entering into one is sure to chain me to something I will have to have serious responsibility for.

Friends may just be worried about me, because I am not getting any younger (insert Eagles' "Desperado" here). At this critical point in my life when I have yet to truly establish myself in anything due to my inability to focus and settle on one thing, I have a lot of things gping on in my mind and romance is something I can live without at present. Though at times I feel hollow inside because life can be different, like, livelier perhaps, if one has a boyfriend who will be there for you no matter what, provided that this guy is a decent one and will never cheat on you and will truly love you just as much as you will love him or even more.

I always say that part of the problem is my inability to understand the whole courtship thing. It just seem like a very inconvenient phase where  the two of you try to get to know each other but you both know that the other is just putting his or her best foot forward. Some guys may seem extra nice to me, some invite me to watch movies, but I never place any meaning on those because.... Well, because I need to know if it's a date, like is he asking me put because he likes me? Apparently, according to friends, guys will never ask girls out unless they like them. Still for me, it can just be because of friendship. I mean, I'm over the phase when I will assume a lot. Maybe I just met the wrong, immature guys in the past. Sad to say, they turned me into a cynic. Add to that my extra dense nature.

And lately I have been thinking that maybe my brain is wired differently because I tend to have different views of things. I don't know, but it does cause a lot of misunderstanding so I constantly try to explain my side and I always feel it is important to do so because I would hate it if I hurt someone's feelings just because they misunderstood me. I see things differently and I tend to overanalyze things. I do give people the benefit of the doubt but there's also always the prevalence of precaution since we really do not know why people are the way they are.

So never ask me why I am still single. It is a bit of an issue to me, just a teeny weeny bit anyway. Maybe I am just not ready, emotionally and mentally. They say that one cannot love if one does not love herself. I am still learning to love myself, to let go of frustrations and all the negative charges.

I just don't get why people are curious about my love life. Should it matter? The sun shall still rise in the east and set in the west. Or maybe they pity me for being too socially inept.

Yeah I think I am regressing lately, back to my college self when all I did was push people away. I keep on building walls and barriers and it's not like I do it on purpose. It is almost like an automatic defense mechanism because of a perceived threat. I woukd get extra defensive, I would snap at and counter every idea, I would not be my normal compassionate self becoming bitchy instead because my brain is sending panic signals because of this threat. The threat of a potential lover.

I am still such a big coward after all the traveling and all the interactions witn different kinds of people. Just when I thought I had become strong enough to face this stage and ready to level up, in the end, I am just a quack.

I hate being like this. Could be easier if everything starts with friendship then blossom to something new. Then I'd truly know I have gone out of my comfort zone.

For now, just don't ask me why. It's nice talking about love, its ideals, personal experiences, but never ask me what I am looking for. I already know what I want in a partner but I'm not telling. 

On the other hand, being single has its very nice perks...

An Open Letter to the Light of My Life

It's been a long time since we last had a long chat. These days we seem to try to catch up on each other early in the morning before I leave for work. I would always ask how you are doing even though I know the answer. You would always look at me, your eyes forlorn, your current fragile state breaking my heart to pieces. It's not easy for me to watch you go weak with each passing day; I have been used to seeing you wake up each morning earlier than anybody else, with that load of energy despite your age. I often wondered where you got that strength that allowed you to do numerous tasks without complaint.

Consecutive trips enriched my life, but it also made me poorer in understanding you. One day I was shocked to come back seeing you emaciated, your eyes no longer alert and shining. Words cannot describe how I feel. You seem lifeless, purposeless, friendless. You wouldn't eat, you refuse to listen when we repeatedly tell you to go to the doctor. You, who used to be strong as a bull, cannot even walk properly now.

I fear for what the future holds in store for us. Throughout my life, you were there. You saw me through my darkest, most bitter periods in my life. When blood and kin sought to hurt me, you were my sole comfort. You were the one who taught me early in my life, even with waves of rejection, coldness, cruelty, and all the challenges that come my way, are nothing if I put my faith in God. You sought to understand me, even in my most pitiful egocentric bitter state. Many would claim to know me but it is only you who always defended me from backstabbers, you the only one who testified to my goodness. It was grace. Perhaps we were meant to meet in this lifetime, because your faith in me changed me. I had a taste of grace because of your goodness and to this time it inspires me to be a better, not bitter, person.

This last weekend, I could have continued to do my volunteer work while in Pangasinan. We passed by Manaoag and I changed my mind and decided to stay inside the church to hear mass and to say a little prayer for you. I knownthat you'd be happy to learn that your little girl is back to going down on her knees with pleas to the Heavens, this time not for me but for you. Today after work, I found myself walking towards that church where I got a rosary last year on my birthday, as if my legs had life of their own. So I brought out my rosary and prayed the sorrowful mystery. How apt, when the two of us are in agony, you physically and me emotionally.

I am not prepared for this. But I guess your little girl will have to grow up now. Coming back home, finding you not there to welcome me has given me of a glimpse of a possibility I do not want to consider. Home feels cold, dark, awful without you.

Tears cannot stop flowing now as I write. Please do not leave me alone.

Rockies at Norzagaray, Bulacan

A week after my ten-day Mindoro trip, my first trip by plane this year, I joined the climb to the Rockies in Norzagaray. The two rock formations in the shape of a lioness and of a rhinoceros are becoming more and more popular these days thanks to the social media. I stumbled upon a post by an old climbing buddy late last year and saw that he climbed the Rockies without inviting me. (#bitter though I wouldn't have joined even if he sent me an invitation because I already planned to go to Bicol with a travel buddy, only to end up in Pangasinan and Ilocos.)

before the rock assaults: I chose to be sweeper just to take a photo of this!

awesome view of rocks

Because I got to the meeting place right on time at 4AM, I sorely lacked sleep and was sleeping every time we were in transit. I was frustrated to find that there still are irresponsible and inconsiderate people who join events like this and yet fail to show up on time. We left our meeting place at 5AM and we missed the sunrise because of those annoying people. Probably newbies who do not care nor know the ethics to mountain climbing. Were I the organizer, I would have gone on without them.

the lioness overlooking Norzagaray

small but smelly flower with unpleasant smell

One can finish the climb in less than an hour, but due to the time spent in taking photo after photo, we got down at past 12PM, had lunch and then napped until 1:30PM. The challenging part in climbing the lioness and the rhino is that one really has to be a good rock climber. In fact, being a hiker is of not much use. Every step of the way, I was wondering if I could make it alive. Being acrophobic was no help at all.

the rhino

Abrus precatorius: bead-like seeds which are actually toxic...

buwis-buhay moment as we climbed down the rhino

for ID, anyone?

Part 2 of the trip was spent in Pinagrealan Cave, a historic site for being the encampment site of the revolutionaries led by Sinfrosio dela Cruz against the Spaniards toward the end of the 19th century. Emilio Aguinaldo and Pio del Pilar also lived here. Now more than ever, I want to visit Mt. Manalmon, see Biak-na-Bato, and go caving there. Such trips kill two birds with one stone since I travel for history and also for nature.

our tour guide in Pinagrealan Cave

At some parts of the cave, one has to go through knee-deep and neck-deep waters. The first foray into the waters was not pleasant given the smell and water's dark color. The second was refreshingly cool and clear, perfect for a bath but then one passes by the smelly waters again on the way back. My legs got itchy soon afterwards so I had to take a quick bath lest I develop more skin problems.

co-participant removes his shoes before wading into the waters

Before I went home, I stopped by Fshermall and looked for a place to eat. Dimsum Place has just opened and was offering discounts for their dimsum so I grabbed the chance to have a taste of their xiaolongbao. As in other restos, they have carrot slices at the bottom to support the bun. There's soup in it alright but it's not as tasty as I hoped them to be. I so miss Shi Lin's xiaolongbao at this point. Another thing, I find it weird whenever I dine in Chinese restos without free hot tea. It just disappoints.

xiaolongbao at Dimsum Place, Fishermall (P90)

Dreams 04

Waking up late this morning left me feeling flustered because of yet another dream about me in an almost relationship with someone I do not even know in real life. Although this has happened several times before, I still haven't gotten used to it and everytime it happens I always end up feeling extra pensive, disturbed by these unwelcome visitations during my cutie sleep and yet feeling extra giddy and hopeful that in the very near future I meet the one I have been looking for.

The dream this time involves a boy who looks younger than me. We seem like very close friends until that moment when he confesses he likes me and wants to marry me. The whole time I was silent, not knowing what to say because everything was so sudden, I felt unprepared. All I know is that I am not sure if I can reciprocate his feelings.

Then the dream shifts to another scene , or perhaps I just forgot about the other parts and just remembered those where I felt strong emotions. In that scene, I watch him as he lay sleeping and kissed him lightly. (I swear this is so not me!!! I don't even like romantic movies and shoujo anime and manga so I do not know where my subconsciousness gets this... perhaps from fantasies??? LOL) He wakes up and we laugh for no reason (or maybe it was already a new scene) and even with the confession and everything, things are not awkward and we seem to understand each other very well. I also remember feeling very comfortable around him as I run my fingers through his silky hair.

And then I woke up. It was 11:25 and nobody bothered to wake me up. I said my morning prayers, left my bed, broke my fast, took a shower, and left home. While walking to the jeepney stop, I couldn't help but try to remember his face. What if we get to meet? It would be bad if I do not recognize him.

The dream got me thinking about fate, destiny, and free will. We meet many people but we choose whom we welcome in our life. It got me thinking about one of my life goals, to find that one person who will complete me. Somewhere out there under the vast sky, someone must be searching for me, too. I'd like to believe that one day fates will make our paths cross. So while I am still single, I would like to be the best that I can be, to do as much as I can so that when the time comes, I shall not feel as though I wasted my youth. 

Yet questions form in my head. Should I believe that my perfect match is not separated from me by time, distance, nor circumstances? What if there is no such thing as a perfect match? What if I am just incapable of loving truly that I cannot go beyond the standards I have set?

Am I just being foolishly romantic to give meaning to these kinds of dreams which render me almost paralyzed at the thought that mobility might be more of a hindrance than a way to find him?

___________________________________________

I normally find it weird to write about these stuffs but I found myself restless unless I write about this dream. While there's a feeling of excitement, I really am not enthused to these things because they rob me of focus which is supposed to be alloted to higher learning and to my many interests. It seems my subconsciousness is saying otherwise. Oh well...

Mt. Daraitan

I greeted the month of love with a dayhike in Tanay, Rizal. It is my first time to travel eastward and I am not at all familiar with things there. But I was with a group and we rented a van from Starmall in Shaw Boulevard all the way to Tanay so it was not much of a hassle.

this bridge can be used by vehicles!

 Mt. Daraitan is rated as having a difficulty of 2/9 so I was expecting a carefree hike since I was only looking for a way to escape the city. Who would have thought that it wasn't as easy as they said it was!

The ascent surprised me because of the large steps. Being a small girl put me at a disadvantage and it required me to exert extra effort. Poor knees of mine! The mountain is made up of limestone and some andesitic (not quite sure if they indeed are andesitic but they sure are porphyritic). The limestone are quite pointed and sharp so extra caution needed. It brings to mind the climb we did in Ille Rockshelter and Ugong Rock Formation, both in Palawan. Anyway, I was not able to closely examine the rocks due to the group's speed and I wouldn't want to be left behind.

fish: not sure where the local got these but he was descending and we met him during our ascent

 Another thing of surprise was the very cool weather. Just the day before Metro Manila experienced a sunny day. Yet on the day of our hike, it was cloudy with scattered, intermittent rainshowers, probably the reason why the whole experience gained a bit of a difficulty.

So anyway, it was a hassle putting on and taking off my raincoat all throughout the hike. It doesn't help that I only brought one cardigan and it's not even a jacket to protect me from the chillly winds which remind me a lot of Pulag. 

view from the summit

 The descent was even more challenging, bringing to mind Buntot Palos because I was wearing the same rubber sandals I wore back then. The trail became slippery because of the downpours but at least, it wasn't as muddy as in Buntot Palos, reminding me more of Mt. Arayat.

view from one of the side trails going down

 When we came to the river, it was as the picture on the net I have looked at prior to the hike. It was really a beautiful place. One thing I noted during the whole journey is how clean the mountain and the river is, you will not see garbage along the trail. The locals really make an effort to ensure not only the cleanliness but also the safety of the adventurers as evidenced by the wooden railings they make especially along slippery parts of the trail. These indeed are very much appreciated especially by someone like me who's not too comfortable at descending.

gushing waters of Tinipak River

 We did some cave exploration and by the time we were on our way to the cave, I was already exhausted, and my hands and legs already had a lot of cuts and bruises. Still I could not pass the chance to see what's inside the cave so I still tagged along.

The cave reminded me of Sumaguing Cave in Sagada. But there aren't remarkable formations in Daraitan cave. Still, the sparkling stalactites and the cool refreshing waters of the cave pool are not to be missed. (Though I felt like I might get fever from immersing myself in extra cold water after an exhausting hike. Whew!)

stalactites inside the cave

 I was able to converse with a local, a woman who sells chicharon and oils. Curious, I bought two oils from her: Sampaguita and Mandarin. Ate Bernadette is very enterprising in her own way. She knows how to mend stuffs, showing me how she fixed her bag and how she mended a pair of broken sandals. I am simply in awe of her resourcefulness and inspired to be like her who does not accept defeat and still fight on for her family's future's sake. (Because you know, being a drifter like me makes you complacent and accept things readily as they are...)

beautiful Tinipak River

Going on this adventure made me realize that maybe I have gained much experience with mountains to be able to make comparisons and associating this whole adventure to my past climbs. Many times, I am considering to stop hiking altogether because of the dangers and because my family is always worried about me, but the experiences and the learnings I get only from the mountains are things I cannot give up that easily.