Sto. Domingo Church

And so lately I have been finding refuge in Sto. Domingo Church.

Two days after her demise, I visited her wake with two missions--- to ensure that all of her valued things are placed in a bag to be entombed together with the coffin on the day of her burial, and to digitize photos for submission for her wake's video. Probably because there were a lot of things to do, it felt as if she were still with us. 

June 26, a highschool friend invited me to watch Rak of Aegis in PETA Theater. I asked her if she could first help me drop the two boxes of milk I solicited from workmates at Sto. Domingo Church. She agreed.

Last Sunday, June 27, was the interment of my yaya's body. My sisters and I headed to Taytay to pay our final respects to the woman who chose to stay with us even though ours is a difficult family. We waited for the tomb to be cemented and all until we left and it was already late in the afternoon when we had our lunch somewhere near Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall. Traffic was heavy so we opted to stop by a Pares canteen.

Then I commuted to Sto. Domingo Church while my sisters went straight home. Volunteers were repacking school materials for the schoolchildren of Mindoro and Zambales. I said I wouldn't be able to go because I was still hurting except I didn't tell them that I've been thinking about how a person can give so much and yet in the end she is taken for granted. But I guess something in the church was drawing me to it. 

Mass was being said when I got there but I headed straight to the toilet to relieve myself first. Then mass, where I got teary-eyed. "What is the cause of death?" the priest asks rhetorically. How apt to talk about death and sin.

After mass, I went to my favorite place, except that people was crowding the place and I couldn't enjoy the beautiful solitude I experienced days prior when the boys whom I have become fond of made me wait for 2 hours. So I just lighted 10 candles, said a quick prayer and then off to where the volunteers were repacking things.

They were just about to finish. I did help in cleaning. It was of course insubstantial and I was a bit ashamed to be there just when they were wrapping up.

Today I delivered the final box of milk. It was about to rain when I left the office and thank God it didn't end up in heavy downpour. Heavy heavy load. A kind stranger offered to carry the box for me as I climbed the stairs of the footbridge but I graciously declined and thanked him for the offer. Made me think about how poor I am at asking for help from people. I tend to just rely on myself. Probably the reason why men aren't too happy with me. Friends say I must learn how to be weak sometimes. But to that I say, I don't want to have the habit of having someone to rely onto. I'm comfortable doing things on my own. [Okaaaaaay, insert Eagles' Desperado here...]

I prayed the rosary. And the tears, how they flowed. I remember back in April last year when I attended mass all alone in the same church and it was weird and awkward to suddenly be crying. I felt all alone then. Now I cry even more, because the Light is gone now. And well, just yesterday I received the news that a dear UP prof died of cardiac arrest. He was never my prof but I met him when I went with his photojournalism class to Puerto Galera. He became an instant idol, a very very BIG man with a BIG heart and BIG talents. He's one of a kind, with his crazy sunglasses and super pout which became part of his signature look in his photos. He was someone I looked up to a lot to the point that I wanted to be like him. [And I think I'm doing a good job now... I hope.]

So I prayed for them both. Prayed hard for the eternal repose of their souls, that they may finally find peace and happiness.

And I also prayed for myself, that I may find the courage to live up to the standards I have set for myself. I know that I'm being too hard on myself but I wanted to make them proud as they watch over us from Heaven.

The Day You Went Away Forever: June 24, 2015

Exactly three months ago, you left me. I hope I don't sound like you wanted to. Nobody wanted that to happen, but it seemed to be for the best. Just how can you rest well when you are constantly worried about us, about me in particular?

Yesterday afternoon I was happily on my way to see you, to deliver a potential cure that I got from one of the organizers of a volunteer project. My patience ran out as usual while being stuck in traffic. It was past 6pm and I still was far from you.

Then my sister called to deliver the news. I was surprised not to be surprised. Thoughts ran I my head. Where did I go wrong? Guilt, that ugly feeling, crept in.

I began recounting the many opportunities I had to visit you again but I chose not to because I believed in indulging myself. Maybe I spoiled myself far too much. Two weeks ago I was in the Mountain Province. The weekdays that followed were spent with a boy whom I met there. He was going back abroad for work and requested to spend time with me. I obliged because he seems like a nice boy and there's no harm in gaining a new friend. Just this weekend, I went hiking and then attended a memorial for a great grand aunt to whom I wasn't even close to. The day before, I had my much-needed self-date and watched "Stand By Me Doraemon", something I have been looking forward to since last year.

Did you think that I forgot about you or that I completely left you for a chance to go to the US? You were part of the reason why I stayed, to give you that extra moral boost when I visit you from time to time. I don't know if it works but I hope you know that you can always count on me and on my sisters. Were you sick and tired of waiting for me since it had been more than 2 weeks since I last visited? Did you give up all hope?

The moment I found out, I couldn't even cry. I thought I was past the blaming game. But everything floods in again and I couldn't help but be angered at how things turned out because of wrong decisions. And then that sad feeling that everything is fleeting. It reminded me of what I felt back when I lost grandpa and great grandma. No tears, no cries, just plain sadness, my senses heightened that the soft breeze seemed like a warm loving embrace.

I was still lucky to have seen your final state before you were transferred to the funeral parlor. Your mouth was open. They say it means you were waiting for someone. I wondered if it was me. But I was disappointed to learn that it wasn't. You were muttering the names of your siblings, they say. I wonder if in your last dying breath you thought of me, how your little girl is gping to cope with your departure. But it doesn't matter now. I am happy that you no longer suffer now. I hope you rest in perpetual peace and bliss.

A candle for the Light

The pain is slowly sinking in as I write. It's close to 2AM and normally I would have gone off to sleep but I couldn't. I want to write this as tribute to you.

I am sorry for the times when I broke your heart. I was such a stupid selfish brat. I still am but slowly working on it. If only I could turn back time and if only I was sweeter to you, kinder, gentler... Despite all my shortcomings you have always been there. I want to thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.

You have been a Doraemon to this stupid Nobita. I wish you will still stand by me in spirit and watch over me.

First Half of 2015

So half the year is about to end and here we are, still on the same page, still on the same boat, yet with wonderful memories of days gone by.

My 2014 yearender FB post

2014 ended with many accidental trippings on speculations about love. A prelude mayhaps to a whole new 2015. It started in December, on the day of my birthday when the Heavens directed me to a church I have always wanted to visit and yet couldn't find the time to do so. That fateful day, drifter received a special gift--- a rosary. It was a Wednesday and suddenly the priest called all birthday celebrants to come forward and receive some blessings.

I must have been close to my religious exit for this to happen. Being busy and suddenly not feeling like I were living a very fruitful life despite being quite productive as I volunteer left and right, my heart and mind knew not peace. This gift, a small rosary, now I keep in my bag as a reminder of this fateful day, a renewal of vows. Why it happened in church dedicated to St. Joseph the Worker still is a mystery to me. But maybe it's God's way of telling me to work and not just conceptualize. Do the actual thing, stop being on a standstill in fantasyland.

My 2014 birthday FB post

Coz time is running fast and we mere mortals cannot keep up. These days it's all about doing as much as we can in a short amount of time. We search for shortcuts, we attempt to do everything even if we can do without them I'm a bit guilty of those in the past but I know better now. The mountains have taught me that it's not how fast you ascend or descend, it's how you enjoy the trail, the wonderful views, the scent of the mountains (which is one of the most important reasons why I keep on going back because my olfactory senses are very much alive and partying when I'm close to nature), the company even, the rain, the cool earth, the occasional gashes and the frequent insect bites (yes, these too, my battle scars).

So here I am, still enjoying the freedom (or is it a curse?) of being single. Eagles' "Desperado" always ruins my mood, in a welcome way. "Your pain is walking through this world all alone". Some random romantic shit but what the hell, when I ponder on this, I wonder if I will be able to settle? Loving requires giving a part of yourself and taking something in return, connoting change. And therein lies my biggest fear. I've been alone for as long as I could remember. Alone because I have been viewed as different by the people around me. It almost destroyed me but I guess I love myself too much to ever let any external force force its way into my system. So no thanks, I'm perfectly happy with who I am. But oooops life can get lonely from there.

Or maybe the fates are talking a different kind of love. Love for humanity, love for nature, love for excellence... (Okaaaaay my excuses again to evade romantic possibilities.)

Credit: Dino Dimar of White Canvas Org

Except that the recent volunteer trip to the Mountain Province brought me close to a group of like-minded fellows. The project was Akyat, Aklat, Pasasalamat, joined by some of the survivors of the Florida bus accident last February 7, 2014. (They are a marvelous group. It's hard to see their struggles because of their very bright smiles and cheerful disposition. I'm lucky to have met them!) With peeps from Black Pencil Project and White Canvas Org, I discovered I can be my whole self with no pretensions. We understand each other in our quests for social justice, for the rejuvenation of Mother Nature, for heightened spirituality. It all started in Mindoro last May, right after the mapping project when the soul of this poor corporate slave/ hardcore volunteer was in dire need to reconnect with the Spirits of Nature. And then the Domino Effect. One thing leads to another.

And now I'm seeing the Wheel again. How far can I go without turning back? I've successfully completed the requirements for the mapping project, even going beyond the minimum requirements. Must be the passion. Because once you start it's hard to stop.

I have that person whom I met in Mindoro to thank for for making me go through this painful but wonderful situation. I can sense very strongly that it's my time to grow up and shed my childish self in preparation for a big role that I have only a bleak idea about. But like what his clairvoyant friend told me, "Don't worry. Yours is not sharp intelligence. Yours is nurturing, pure, not meant to attack but to protect." Of course he speaks in riddles I couldn't quite grasp it since I know myself to be unable to love. It reminded me of the kokology game two acquaintances played with me and the result was that I am a guardian. How can you protect if you don't know how to love? To which he replied, "Take courage. Take courage for your heart. Take courage to love." So much for being perceived as courageous by my friends. Ah well I always tell them I can withstand any physical pain but probably not emotional wounds. "Crying doesn't mean cowardice and weakness." He must have seen through the inner turmoil inside of me caused by my preoccupation with the slow fading of the Light.

And then echoes of a friend's words, "To love is to be vulnerable." to which I always quip, "To love is to be invulnerable. :P" And inside of me, "To love is to be both vulnerable and invulnerable."

Makes me think so hard. Don't know if the role suits me well but let's see.

Wheels again. Sigh.

Things to do:

1. Write about the current plight of the IP

2. Take responsibility for a fundraising campaign

3. Update this blog and write about my many adventures (BIG backlog since 2014 and net is down...)

4. Finish the two books I have been reading and use them as background for articles on protecting the environment and restoring the dignity of the minorities

5. Sweat. (coz I'm getting fat already.)

My subconscious must have sensed these events. Above is my FB post 5 days before my Mindoro trip which contributed to the gradual changing of my life.

"Be broken, then be fixed and be made whole again." (to quote myself!) The survivors did a great job. Will I?

Bani and Agno: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

On Sunday, second day of our second time to map Pangasinan, buddy and I left our host's residence in Bolinao early. As agreed, we donned our costumes to at least look good in our photos. The househelp prodded us to at least eat breakfast before we leave. Such heartwarming gesture of hospitality extended to us by our hosts! Needless to say, I am deeply moved.

After breakfast, I ran to the side of St. James the Great Parish Church to buy binungey, a kakanin which resembles suman except this is cooked inside a bamboo. We would eat it later in Alaminos.

Immaculate Concepcion of the Blessed Virgin Mary Parish Church (credit: Wikicommons)

Our first stop for the day was Bani, a small town but with around 20 heritage structures. Their church has a rather irregular shape and was being renovated when we visited.

retablo of Bani Church (credit: Wikicommons)

Gabaldon Building (credit: Wikicommons)

Pangasinan State University (credit: Wikicommons)

 In the park across Bani Church we saw a historical marker erected on March 18, 1979 in memory of the 13 martyrs who died fighting against the Spanish soldiers on March 7, 1898. Now, who were these 13 martyrs? What were their background? What motivated them to fight?

After Bani, we headed to Agno where I was able to climb up the belfry. The view from the top of the church is always breathtaking and one imagines as if it were the olden times, how the belfry can also function as watchtower to see if there were advancing armies about to attack. Oh well, I am also into military stuff so pardon my wild imagination. :P

Saint Catherine of Alexandria Church (credit: Wikicommons)

view from Agno Church choir loft (credit: Wikicommons)

 As in Bani, Agno also has a Gabaldon Building. We were also lucky to have found an old Spanish bridge except all that's left are the pillars. Locals say that on top of these were wooden boards. Anyway, a modern one runs parallel to this old bridge.

Gabaldon Building (credit: Wikicommons)

Don Angel Sison Bridge (credit: Wikicommons)

 Since these two towns are fairly small, we only spent a short time here. We then proceeded to Alaminos for lunch. Needless to say, I slept while in transit despite getting 5 hours of sleep the night before. We were still lucky because the weather in Western Pangasinan was not that hot.

Note: All the pics I took were uploaded to Wikicommons but am reusing them here anyway.

Previous: Bolinao: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2
Next: Alaminos and Dagupan: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

Bolinao: Pangasinan Mapping Part 2

In April, I went back to Pangasinan with the same buddy I was with in my first mapping of the province. The second time around we experienced the same difficulty in getting bus tickets as we did the first time.

Our first stop this time was Bolinao, known to travelers for its lighthouse. Of course we included that in our itinerary as well as a visit to the beach.

It's funny how the world seemed so small. While having breakfast at a canteen, I saw the last name of a former officemate and I remembered that she had relatives in Bolinao. So I messaged her and asked if her uncle could provide assistance to us. The town was celebrating a festival so we almost never got the help we needed but her uncle was really a generous person who even provided us with a tricycle, instructing the driver to take us to Bolinao's Enchanted and Wonderful Caves, Patar beach, and Bolinao lighthouse. Plus, we got free accommodation and dinner at their house. I'm so touched at how people can be so kind despite the prevalence of cruelty in this cold dark world.

we didn't know there was a fiesta! Beautiful surprise :)

Go Bolinao!!!

 A sea of busy people greeted us when we arrived at Bolinao. Turned out they were having a festival! Cool surprise! We stopped by for some time to see their street performance then resumed mapping the town.

binungey, suman-like treat in bamboo

Old Spanish Well

the imposing St. James the Great Parish Church

Gabaldon Building 

old church bells in Bolinao Church (yes we climbed up the belfry!)

 In the afternoon, there was only the lighthouse left to map. We were in for another pleasant surprise when my officemate's uncle arranged a tricycle tour for us. We were taken to Enchanted Cave first where we marveled at the giant fossilized clam shells. Later on we took a dip in the cave's cool waters. Wanting more, we transferred to another cave named Wonderful Cave. I liked waters here more than in the previous one. Also, it's got less people so buddy and I were able to talk a lot about love, friendship, and human relations in general.

giant fossilized shells in Enchanted Cave

 And then the lighthouse!!! We spent some time taking pictures there since the sun was already setting with extra wonderful colors. It would be a waste if we were to leave without beautiful silhouette photos!

Bolinao Lighthouse against an electrifyingly clear blue sky

 And until the time the sun had fully disappeared down the horizon we stayed at Patar Beach. I love how the brown yet light sands felt against my skin. My buddy and I buried ourselves in the sand for a while before fnally leaving the place with smiles on our faces.

sunset at Patar Beach

We had dinner at our gracious host's house and after that, a cousin of my officemate accompanied me and my buddy to the town feria. I'm not a big fan of fairs but it's nice to once in a while see for myself what goes in there.

town fair (photo credit: Hannah D.)

darts (photo credit: Hannah D.)

The fair hosted a lot of rides and I do not even know nor recall the names. I only went for the ferris wheel which got me a headache afterwards. I did got 4 out of 5 shots in the darts, winning a pack of cheap chips for it. Then I took advantage of the karaoke machine and sang two songs: Join the Club's Nobela and F4's Meteor Rain. What is nice about singing here is that people do not know your ugly voice and so will not remember you if ever you go back. LOL

Sooooo, who wouldn't love Bolinao???

Manaoag: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

After a quick mapping of Binmaley, we went to Dagupan for a quick lunch at a carinderia in the transportation hub. It's got my favorite adobong pusit and the free bulalo soup was one of the best I've had.

We hopped on a van to Manaoag which is known for its church Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary of Manaoag. I've been there when I was a high school student when I was still a super devout Catholic. My mom and her Catholic friends had a sort of field trip then and she took me with her. She told me amazing stories about how photos of the image of the Virgin Mary would appear blank. At that time, I didn't own any camera so poor me couldn't try it out.

The moment we saw the church, we were overwhelmed to see a big crowd. It felt like visiting Antipolo Church in May! And the immediate surroundings of the church! How commerce seemed to fluorish as one sees many products being sold: woven stuffs, fans, oils, religious articles, candles... I was baffled at how people can consider doing business in a sacred place.

Church of Manaoag

 The past few weeks prior, I had also been busy looking for a travel buddy to go to Manaoag with me since I have been so desperately in need of miracles at this time in my life while the Light is slowly fading and I felt helpless. This was the perfect chance to participate in mass and I asked my buddy if she could map on her own while I stayed inside the church. We were to meet after an hour.

choir loft

 She said yes and so I was able to hear Sunday mass. I always consider it important to visit churches when I travel and to hear mass as much as possible. In Manaoag, I offered a fervent prayer, hoping for a big miracle.

altar

 I don't know if the Heavens will grant my prayers but I have decided early on that whatever happens, it is the Will of the Heavens and I dare not contest it. I have put my faith in the Supreme Being knowing His immense goodness.

exposed bricks at the Parish Office

As we leave Manaoag, I remember a favorite Bible verse: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Previous: Binmaley: Pangasinan Mapping Part 1
Also read: Lingayen, Pangasinan Mapping Part 1

Tekken: Blood Vengeance

It's been a long time since I last watched a movie at home.

So after going through a very stressful first half of the year, I badly need some time to relax and clear my mind off things. Just wanna get away from it all for a little while. My sleeping patterns have changed and I have been sleeping little since the beginning of the year. I have also been going home late at night due to meetings and other extracurricular activities, much to my parents' constant worry.

I chose Tekken: Blood Vengeance because I also miss playing video games. Just recently when I attended an org meeting, the coordinator chatted endlessly on our personal interests and we have a LOT in common. We LOVE Diablo, Final Fantasy, Nightwish, Jay Chou, animé, etc. Talking to him made me realize how I have been giving up much of my time for others instead of engaging in my hobbies. Don't get me wrong, I love doing volunteer work but there are aspects of it that I don't like, like preparing the expense report. It's a hassle! >,< (But we need it to get reimbursed...)

Pardon my senseless drifting again...

The movie begins with a fight between sisters Anna and Nina which ended without any conclusion. The two sisters both hire one young girl each to spy on Kamiya Shin, the only one of the many students kidnapped earlier for a biological experiment. Xiaoyu was selected to spy for Nina and she meets Alisa, an intelligently programmed robot in the form of a cute pop idol-looking girl.

two cute girls escaping from military robots on the back of a cute panda

Xiaoyu investigates the kidnapping case that happened in her school a few years back. The students were allegedly experimented on and Shin, named 78M of the Mutare Experiment was the only survivor. Her close friend Kazama Jin was also taken for the same experiment.

It is interesting to note that Alisa shows signs of being human especially in the scene wherein she and Xiaoyu were in Mr. Lee's mansion and Alisa blushing, tells Xiaoyu that if their will is strong enough, they can top the Mishima family war, and that if her feelings are honest and true, then she will be able to rescue Shin. Xiaoyu counters by questioning Alisa's feelings, if they were real or just programmed, to which Alisa replied that true love makes someone human.

Also Alisa shows signs of being more human when she questions the morality of family members fighting each other. She wonders about the possibility of her creator being the same as the warfreak Mishima clan which engages in human genetics experiments.

Sisters Anna and Nina meet again. Disappointingly they didn't engage in a fight this time.

Alisa and Xiaoyu learns from Shin himself that he's got the world's first immortal cell which renders his body invulnerable to death. This was the reason why the two factions fight each other, to get hold of Shin's power. Shin lures everyone to Kyoto Castle for a final showdown among three generations but is killed by Heihachi. (Just what the heck were the others doing, not even trying to prevent Heihachi from killing Shin...)

Angered, Jin releases his Devil Gene and engages in a fight against Kazuya and Heihachi. Heihachi seems to be having the upper hand at first until the last minute when Jin's continuous punches send him down Kyoto Castle. Then it's just between Jin and Kazuya in devil form.

Kazuya in devil form

Although the movie doesn't say it, Alisa's creator seems to be Jin because Jin's voice commands are followed by Alisa without question. This happens when Alisa tries to protect him from the attacking Kazuya. Kazuya steps on her and destroys her, much to Xiaoyu's grief. Jin awakens his devil form to put an end to the cursed Mishima bloodline.

Jin in final devil form

With Kazuya defeated, Heihachi springs back to ruin Jin and Xiaoyu's moment. (O.O) [I can't believe that with the extra cool graphics, this movie does not invest in good storytelling!] Heihachi reveals the true form of the Kyoto Castle, that of a gigantic monster reminiscent of Diablo in Diablo 2. [So now with his winged form, Jin looks like an archangel fighting a huge Diablo.]

So while Heihachi thinks he controls Mokujin, he is wrong. The Mokujin ignores his appetite for destruction, having seen the strong bond among Panda, Xiaoyu, and Alisa as they try to protect each other. 

Alisa's final punch to save the day

And who would have thought that a teardrop from Xiaoyu will be enough to revive a robot [feels like watching a Disney movie] who will then give her last punch to Heihachi-cum-Mokujin to save the day. Jin says farewell, saying he will wait for Xiaoyu to defeat him.

As for the ending, Xiaoyu shares her dream of having an amusement park with Alisa. The two agree to enter the Tekken Tournament.

Read: Tekken the Motion Picture